The Decisions

15 07 2010

The Decision by Lebron James to leave one of the worst cities in the country (Cleveland) for beaches and babes seemed like a no-brainer, but the coaches of the best conference in the nation will be making more of an impact for guys that like tailgating, coeds, and football. We had some monumental decision in the Pac-12 that we’ve outlined for the casual fan to see what’s going on in preparation of the 2010 season.

Stanford – Jim Harbaugh

Coach keeps himself thin in the off-season by avoiding the Dairy Queen diet, but he’s already planning his post Rose Bowl victory meal.

USC – Lane Kiffin

Lane Kiffin’s biggest decision this off-season was whether or not he would start running for governor of California in the 2011 election. For a guy who played at Fresno St and brings an 11-18 career record as a head coach, some people are wondering what his next job that he doesn’t deserve will be?

Cal – Jeff Tedford

Coach has had been working exclusively with Dr. Phil in the off-season to see if he can build up quarterback Kevin Riley’s confidence. His only recommendation was shock therapy.

Arizona St – Dennis Erickson

Erickson has been mulling retirement since he turned 85 years old twenty years ago, but it is gaining serious traction now that he lives in Arizona. Coach recently said that if the Sun Devils don’t show significant improvement he’ll be in a retirement home playing Bingo, Canasta, and Pinochle with Ray Finkle.

Oregon – Chip Kelly

Chip Kelly has been spending a lot of time in the court room this off-season and he has decided to make criminal justice the new sociology major for his team. All of his incoming freshman are required to take Introductory Morals and How to Avoid Getting Arrested 101.

Arizona – Mike Stoops

The loudest man in the Pac-10 has decided to enroll in Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Anger Management. Drew saw progress in 2009 after working with Stoops, but thinks he has room for improvement if he surrounds himself with other people like Lindsay Lohan after she gets out of jail.

UCLA – Rick Neuheisel

As soon as Rick Neuheisel heard about world cup this year he immediately decided to join a pool. He picked Brazil to win, but lost $10,000 for coming in 6th place in his group of shady friends. Following the loss of the Brazilians, Neuheisel decided to switch bookies.

Washington – Steve Sarkisian

The biggest decision in Seattle was whether or not Coach should start plugging Jake Locker as the next Heisman candidate. He didn’t know whether he should wait until Locker gets another road win since his last one came in November of 2007. He’s been trying to keep it under wraps as Locker tours all of the east coast media outlets.

Oregon St – Mike Riley

The slow starts in Corvallis have been killing Oregon St for years and Mike Riley finally discovered that his book of How to Start Fasting actually has to do with not eating. He recently decided to switch over to the Twilight series.

Washington St – Paul Wulff 

After Wulff decided to give up on west coast recruiting and hit Florida, he started to think outside the box and start recruiting in the church.  Coach has been looking for priests and pastors with eligibility remaining, because he realizes his only chance of a win is to pray for it. My sources have also told me that they are brining in a team of nuns to join the cheerleaders and if they have moves like this one I’m all for it.

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