Pac-12 Football: Week 12 Predictions

18 11 2010

Week 11 delivered more exciting story lines with Cal players faking injuries like WWE superstars, Chip Kelly getting frustrated with sideline reporters, and Auburn’s Cam Newton still collecting cash payments to play at Auburn.

Cal’s marketing department had a brilliant strategy this past weekend. They convinced all the hippies in Berkeley that they were having a prop 19 rally at the stadium and when they showed up to the football game they spewed their venomous chants at the Oregon Ducks and almost guided their team to the upset. The infamous New York Jets reporter Ines Sainz is all-in on the Ducks this year and she loves the highlighter jerseys.

It’s safe to say that Arizona’s performance this year parallels the premature ejaculation that affects 25-40% of men in the United States. Getting revenge against Iowa, climbing to the top ten in the rankings, and now finding themselves on a 2 game skid in November leaves their gorgeous coeds as disappointed as they are in the bedroom.

Oregon State has been relegated to the doormat of the conference after getting thumped by Washington State this past weekend. The Cougs haven’t won a conference game since 2007 and there’s nothing more embarrassing than having the loss come on your home turf. Everybody should take home a cougar this week and show them some love.

On to the games

UCLA at Washington: This is a must win for both teams if they want to make it to a bowl game. If the faculty and fans  show up with the same energy that they’ve expressed about the parking and traffic situation on a busy Thursday in Seattle then the fans should be a factor in the game. Gore-Tex 27 – Flip Flops 20

Utah at San Diego State: Utah felt the wrath of Jesus at Notre Dame last week while San Diego State gave TCU all they could handle. Which Indian tribe will go Apacalypto on the other? Utes 28 – Aztecs 24

USC at Oregon State: Lots of double entendres when the Beavers and Trojans face off this weekend, but I’ll let your imaginations run wild with it. I’m guessing the Beavs were looking ahead to this weekend, but they love crapping on USC when they come to town. Beavers 27 – Trojans 24

Stanford at Cal: Cal fans took over Stanford’s stadium last year after upsetting them in Palo Alto, and look for them to rejoice again in Strawberry Canyon. Mike Mohamed and Mychal Kendricks will be all over Andrew Luck and the Bears come away victorious 24 – 20

2010 Prediction Record 61-19

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Pac-12 Football: Week 10 Predictions

4 11 2010

After picking three upsets last week and watching all three of them turn into blowouts we’re playing this week conservatively. Before we get to the picks it’s time to update our fans on the state of the Pac-12 Union.

In case you haven’t heard about the Oregon Ducks, there’s a pandemic amongst their fans this season. Apparently all of the high-fiving in Euguene after touchdowns has led to a substantial increase in carpel tunnel in the camouflage clad fans.

Some insider information out of Los Angeles is saying that the NCAA is looking into imposing more sanctions on USC for treating their match up with the Ducks as a fictitious bowl game. The reasoning being that the Trojans are banned from bowl games until 2012.

I spoke with Jeff Tedford’s psychiatrist this week and he’s recently been diagnosed as agoraphobic. This explains the awful road performances and their third blowout this year.

Texas continues to prove that they were not a good fit for the Pac-12. UCLA served them up a can of whoop ass in non-conference play, but even more embarrassing is the back-to-back home losses to Iowa State and Baylor.

Oregon State’s orange and black uniforms were the perfect Halloween costume…

On to the games

California at Washington State: The bipolar Bears will try to give this one away, but Washington State is playing to keep their conference losing streak alive. Bears 34 – Cougars 20

Washington at #1 Oregon: The Huskies are giving up 212 yards per game on the ground, expect the Ducks to triple it if they want to embarrass their uncompetitive rival. Ducks 63 – Huskies 6

Oregon State at UCLA: The Beavers have hit their midseason stride and will continue to run right over the helpless Bruins. Baeaves 30 – Baby Bears 20

Arizona State at USC: Let’s see if the salesman Lane Kiffin can get the troops to buy into another “this is our bowl game” motivational speech. The stands should have some amazing talent on display from the coeds. Trojans 28 – Sun Devils 23

Colorado at Kanas: Now that basketball season has started the Kansas fans will start disappearing from the football stadium. Cody Hawkins should have more success than his 17 of 44 performance last week. Buffs 27 – Jayhawks 21

#15 Arizona at #13 Stanford: In the game of the week the winner will move to number two in the conference power rankings. The Wildcats should be able to spread Stanford’s secondary out in space and make plays, but they’ve struggled in the red zone. Stanford will try to run the ball early and wear down the two defensive ends Brooks Reed and Ricky Elmore. Trees 37 – Cats 33

#3 TCU at #5 Utah: The game of the week nationally and the spot for ESPN’s College Gameday heads to watch two unbeatens square off. The Utes have played great defense this year and I’m expecting them to contain the Andy Dalton and the option offense. Utes 27 – Horny Frogs 24

2010 Prediction Record 54-13

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Pac-12 Football: Week 9 Predictions

28 10 2010

Arizona at UCLA: The UCLA defense should have more success against Arizona’s spread than they did with the Ducks, but they’ll have trouble scoring points against Brooks Reed and Ricky Elmore. Wildcats 27 – Bruins 17

Cal at Oregon State: Tedford has the schizophrenic Bears playing with confidence after the beat down they handed Arizona State. They haven’t played well on the road, but have had some success in Corvaillis. The Bears stop the run and Katz fails to deliver. Bears 27 – Beavers 24

Washington State at Arizona State: Vontaze Burfict had two personal fouls last week, the over under this week is 1.5. Devils 33 – Cougars 20

Stanford at Washington: Like I’ve said before, every other game is a must win for the Huskies. Stanford’s secondary is weak enough to keep an inconsistent Jake Locker offense running. Dawgs 33 – Cardinal 31

Colorado at Oklahoma: The Sooners were caught looking ahead to the Colorado game and slipped up against Missouri. Stoops is now working for style points to get back into the championship picture. OU 41 – CU 20

Utah at Air Force: This is a tough road test for the Utes with the triple option Air Force offense. I’m guessing our flying military comes out strong, but fizzles in the second half. Utes 30 – Pilots 24

Oregon at USC:
The Trojans have had two weeks to prepare for this game and when you compare coaches this is really no contest, but the Trojans are better at quarterback. The Trojans offensive line doesn’t give up too many sacks and the over-aggressive Ducks secondary will pay in this game. Trojans in a shootout 37 – 34

2010 Prediction Record 50-10

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Pac-12 Football : Week 8 Predictions

21 10 2010

Washington at Arizona: Every other game is a must win for the Huskies, and since they won last week they will probably come out flat. Zona will spread out Washington and get their players in space to make plays one on one. Wildcats 30 – Huskies 27

UCLA at Oregon: The Bruins pistol offense was firing blanks the last time we saw it, and even if they’re successful in this game they won’t be able to stop the Ducks for a full 60 minutes. This UCLA defense will need to stack the box and rely on their secondary to not give up the big plays through the air. They will be in the game as long as they stop the run, about 1/2 a quarter. Ducks 44 – Baby Bears 17

Washington State at Stanford: The Cardinal are going to cruise in this game, but Harbaugh needs to know when to pull the starters and keep the team fresh heading into the back-end of the season. Trees 47 – Kittens 17

Arizona State at California: Instead of playing to win, Jeff Tedford has the Bears playing not to lose. This Sun Devil defense is good enough to stop the Cal running game and force Riley to throw the ball. If the fighting Tedford’s can’t get their passing game clicking in this one, then they will lose the game. Cal is a great home team though. Bears 31 – Sun Demons 24
Colorado State at Utah: The Utes haven’t been able to force many turnovers this year, but luckily they won’t need them against CSU. Look for the best name in college football (Shaky Smithson) to be the X-factor in this game. Utes 44 – Rams 14
Texas Tech at Colorado: The Buffs were whipped by Missouri’s spread offense and Tubberville has the Red Raiders playing with confidence. This game means a lot more for Dan Hawkins, so I’m expecting them to come out fired up. Buffs 27 – Raiders 24
2010 Prediction Record 45-9

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Pac-12 Football : Week 7 Predictions

15 10 2010

Utah vs Wyoming 3:00PM: Wyoming’s plan of having the ugliest uniforms in the NCAA distract the opposing team will not work this weekend. Jordan Wynn and the Utah offense are too powerful for the Cowboys secondary. Wyoming typically has a home field advantage with the high elevation, but it won’t factor in this game because the Utes also train at high altitude. Utes 41 – Cowgirls 20

Cal at USC 12:30PM: I was surprised that Lane Kiffin didn’t attempt a 2 point conversion at the end of that Stanford game. USC’s passing defense is among the worst in the country, but Tedford doesn’t trust Riley enough (and with good reason) to put the game in his hands. Cal hasn’t won at the Coliseum since 2000 and the streak extends this weekend. Trojans 27 – Bears 23

Arizona at Washington State 4:30PM: What’s the difference between a wildcat and a cougar? The Wildcats have looked complacent since climbing into the top 10 against Iowa. The Cougars are fighting for their dignity every weekend, but they won’t find it this weekend. Cats in the Wild 41 – Old Chicks at Bars 20

Oregon St at Washington 7:15PM: The Beavers are hitting their stride and the Huskies are more unpredictable than dogs with heterochromia of the iris (two different colored eyes). When everybody is picking against them, I’m sticking with these loyal mammals. Dawgs in an upset 31 – Rodents 30

2010 Prediction Record 41-9

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Pac-12 Week 1 Predictions

2 09 2010

USC at Hawaii: I’m expecting Hawaii to have some early success against the Trojans young secondary, but I think the mighty mighty horses will pull away in the second half. USC 38 – Big-Ass Hawaiin Dancers 17

Arizona at Toledo: Two spread offenses, one cup? Toledo needs to replace their QB from last year, Nick Foles gets hot after shaking off some rust early. Zona 41-27

UCLA at Kansas State: Bill Snyder is back to rebuild the Wildcats and I can’t get enough of these K-State fans. Daniel Thomas is going up against a rebuilt UCLA defense. K-State 24 – Baby Bears 20

Washington at BYU: Jake Locker has not won a road game since 2007, streak is over as the Huskies come out looking sharp offensively. The defense does just enough to get the win. Vegas has BYU as 3 point favorites. Dawgs 31 – Mormons 24

Washington State at Oklahoma State: The Cowboys and Cougars sounds like it would probably make a better reality television dating show than a football game. Cowboys 31 – Cougars 17

Portland State at Arizona State: The over/under for the number of unnecessary roughness penalties called on Vontaze Burfict is 1.5. Steven Threet is hoping that the third time is the charm after transferring from Georgia Tech to Michigan and finally bringing his talents to Tempe. Sun Devils 27 – Vikings 10

New Mexico at Oregon :I’m excited to see what Darron Thomas brings to the table in this game. Oregon goes for 250+ yards on the ground and superstar recruit Lache Seastrunk has a highlight on Sportscenter. New Mexico would have a better chance if they put their infamous soccer player – Elizabeth Lambert, suited up for them. Duckies 48 – Lobos 14

UC Davis at California: Is this FCS week in the Bay Area? Cal and Stanford both scheduled Sister Universities for their Saturday scrimmages, but if Cal comes out half-asleep they could get upset like Stanford did against the Aggies in 2005. Cameron Jordan gets two sacks while the more aggressive defense gets a touchdown. Bears 52 – Aggies 10

Sacramento State at Stanford: The Cardinal (worst nickname in all of sports) should roll in this one. The biggest challenge in this game will be Stanford offensive coordinator – David Shaw, determining whether they want more running or passing yards. The offensive line will plow the way for for the young guys while the passing game is pretty vanilla. Trees 52 – Bees 14

Oregon State vs. TCU: Every time I try to convince myself that Oregon State has a chance I look at my post-it that shows Oregon State has started 2-2 the the last seven seasons. Horny Frogs 31 – Beavers 27

Pittsburgh vs Utah: This is what I like to see out of our new member, big time games in the non-conference. Jordan Wynn will continue right where he left off in the Poinsettia Bowl with an efficient 275 passing yards while the Utes scrappy defense shuts down the Pitt running back Dion Lewis. Utes 28 – Panthers 24

Colorado vs Colorado State: Look for Rodney Stewart to have some success behind his veteran offensive line. Tyler Hansen has some talented wide receivers to throw to and a new weapon in the Mighigan transfer – Toney Clemens. Buffs 30 – Rams 17.

2010 Record 0-0

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The Decisions

15 07 2010

The Decision by Lebron James to leave one of the worst cities in the country (Cleveland) for beaches and babes seemed like a no-brainer, but the coaches of the best conference in the nation will be making more of an impact for guys that like tailgating, coeds, and football. We had some monumental decision in the Pac-12 that we’ve outlined for the casual fan to see what’s going on in preparation of the 2010 season.

Stanford – Jim Harbaugh

Coach keeps himself thin in the off-season by avoiding the Dairy Queen diet, but he’s already planning his post Rose Bowl victory meal.

USC – Lane Kiffin

Lane Kiffin’s biggest decision this off-season was whether or not he would start running for governor of California in the 2011 election. For a guy who played at Fresno St and brings an 11-18 career record as a head coach, some people are wondering what his next job that he doesn’t deserve will be?

Cal – Jeff Tedford

Coach has had been working exclusively with Dr. Phil in the off-season to see if he can build up quarterback Kevin Riley’s confidence. His only recommendation was shock therapy.

Arizona St – Dennis Erickson

Erickson has been mulling retirement since he turned 85 years old twenty years ago, but it is gaining serious traction now that he lives in Arizona. Coach recently said that if the Sun Devils don’t show significant improvement he’ll be in a retirement home playing Bingo, Canasta, and Pinochle with Ray Finkle.

Oregon – Chip Kelly

Chip Kelly has been spending a lot of time in the court room this off-season and he has decided to make criminal justice the new sociology major for his team. All of his incoming freshman are required to take Introductory Morals and How to Avoid Getting Arrested 101.

Arizona – Mike Stoops

The loudest man in the Pac-10 has decided to enroll in Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Anger Management. Drew saw progress in 2009 after working with Stoops, but thinks he has room for improvement if he surrounds himself with other people like Lindsay Lohan after she gets out of jail.

UCLA – Rick Neuheisel

As soon as Rick Neuheisel heard about world cup this year he immediately decided to join a pool. He picked Brazil to win, but lost $10,000 for coming in 6th place in his group of shady friends. Following the loss of the Brazilians, Neuheisel decided to switch bookies.

Washington – Steve Sarkisian

The biggest decision in Seattle was whether or not Coach should start plugging Jake Locker as the next Heisman candidate. He didn’t know whether he should wait until Locker gets another road win since his last one came in November of 2007. He’s been trying to keep it under wraps as Locker tours all of the east coast media outlets.

Oregon St – Mike Riley

The slow starts in Corvallis have been killing Oregon St for years and Mike Riley finally discovered that his book of How to Start Fasting actually has to do with not eating. He recently decided to switch over to the Twilight series.

Washington St – Paul Wulff 

After Wulff decided to give up on west coast recruiting and hit Florida, he started to think outside the box and start recruiting in the church.  Coach has been looking for priests and pastors with eligibility remaining, because he realizes his only chance of a win is to pray for it. My sources have also told me that they are brining in a team of nuns to join the cheerleaders and if they have moves like this one I’m all for it.

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