Andrew Luck’s Learning Disability

8 01 2011

After LeBron James came forward to criticize Andrew Luck’s decision, it was time for me to come to his defense. Here are the three scenarios to explain Andrew Luck passing on his opportunity to be the #1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.

The first scenario is that Andrew Luck is planning on working as an architect after he receives his degree from Stanford. After watching Inception at the IMAX theater in Palo Alto he fell in love with Leonardo’s performance and wants to draw his own cities for a living. Luck doesn’t know who Frank Lloyd Wright is, but that’s not stopping him from designing his own dreams. For his honors thesis Luck has a blueprint for a building on campus that’s shaped like the tree in the Stanford logo and his muse is the derelict mascot you see on their sidelines. Even though he’s excelled in his Urban and Regional Planning class, his best talents are what we’ve seen on the football field. Rating on our possibility scale – 6 out of 10

In the least likely scenario we have the possibility that Andrew Luck is enjoying the women at Stanford, I know, it’s hard to type without laughing but hear me out on this one. Once Andrew Luck gets into the NFL, the groupies that he encounters will already have been run through by dudes like Shawne Merriman, JaMarcus Russell, and Reggie Bush. Those guys have broken them in and to put it in football terms their vaginas can be compared to throwing a football down a hallway.

At Stanford most of their coeds are virgins that spent all of high school in the library or at the computer lab playing World of Warcraft. Luck totally digs these type of women and knows that it will be difficult to find them amongst the amazing talent that presents itself in NFL circles.  I came across this picture of Andrew Luck’s girlfriend to show you exactly the type of woman that he digs. Possibility 2.5 out of 10

The final scenario is the one that makes the most sense, which is Andrew Luck’s learning disability. He was a straight A student in kindergarten and excelled in napping, but by third grade he was thought of as a full-blown retard. He was especially terrible at math and still struggles today which is evidenced by his lack of understanding how much money he’ll miss out on in the NFL next year. Andrew has been insecure about his learning disability his whole life and he feels that a degree from Stanford would quell the memories of being teased growing up. His mother was kind enough to send us a picture of him in junior high school which only helps to confirm his learning disability.

Possibility 9 out of 10

To get the disgusting taste out of my mouth known as Stanford women, here’s a picture of the Leader of the Pac girl Rachel Lorraine in cardinal red.

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The Decisions

15 07 2010

The Decision by Lebron James to leave one of the worst cities in the country (Cleveland) for beaches and babes seemed like a no-brainer, but the coaches of the best conference in the nation will be making more of an impact for guys that like tailgating, coeds, and football. We had some monumental decision in the Pac-12 that we’ve outlined for the casual fan to see what’s going on in preparation of the 2010 season.

Stanford – Jim Harbaugh

Coach keeps himself thin in the off-season by avoiding the Dairy Queen diet, but he’s already planning his post Rose Bowl victory meal.

USC – Lane Kiffin

Lane Kiffin’s biggest decision this off-season was whether or not he would start running for governor of California in the 2011 election. For a guy who played at Fresno St and brings an 11-18 career record as a head coach, some people are wondering what his next job that he doesn’t deserve will be?

Cal – Jeff Tedford

Coach has had been working exclusively with Dr. Phil in the off-season to see if he can build up quarterback Kevin Riley’s confidence. His only recommendation was shock therapy.

Arizona St – Dennis Erickson

Erickson has been mulling retirement since he turned 85 years old twenty years ago, but it is gaining serious traction now that he lives in Arizona. Coach recently said that if the Sun Devils don’t show significant improvement he’ll be in a retirement home playing Bingo, Canasta, and Pinochle with Ray Finkle.

Oregon – Chip Kelly

Chip Kelly has been spending a lot of time in the court room this off-season and he has decided to make criminal justice the new sociology major for his team. All of his incoming freshman are required to take Introductory Morals and How to Avoid Getting Arrested 101.

Arizona – Mike Stoops

The loudest man in the Pac-10 has decided to enroll in Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Anger Management. Drew saw progress in 2009 after working with Stoops, but thinks he has room for improvement if he surrounds himself with other people like Lindsay Lohan after she gets out of jail.

UCLA – Rick Neuheisel

As soon as Rick Neuheisel heard about world cup this year he immediately decided to join a pool. He picked Brazil to win, but lost $10,000 for coming in 6th place in his group of shady friends. Following the loss of the Brazilians, Neuheisel decided to switch bookies.

Washington – Steve Sarkisian

The biggest decision in Seattle was whether or not Coach should start plugging Jake Locker as the next Heisman candidate. He didn’t know whether he should wait until Locker gets another road win since his last one came in November of 2007. He’s been trying to keep it under wraps as Locker tours all of the east coast media outlets.

Oregon St – Mike Riley

The slow starts in Corvallis have been killing Oregon St for years and Mike Riley finally discovered that his book of How to Start Fasting actually has to do with not eating. He recently decided to switch over to the Twilight series.

Washington St – Paul Wulff 

After Wulff decided to give up on west coast recruiting and hit Florida, he started to think outside the box and start recruiting in the church.  Coach has been looking for priests and pastors with eligibility remaining, because he realizes his only chance of a win is to pray for it. My sources have also told me that they are brining in a team of nuns to join the cheerleaders and if they have moves like this one I’m all for it.

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