Andrew Luck’s Learning Disability

8 01 2011

After LeBron James came forward to criticize Andrew Luck’s decision, it was time for me to come to his defense. Here are the three scenarios to explain Andrew Luck passing on his opportunity to be the #1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.

The first scenario is that Andrew Luck is planning on working as an architect after he receives his degree from Stanford. After watching Inception at the IMAX theater in Palo Alto he fell in love with Leonardo’s performance and wants to draw his own cities for a living. Luck doesn’t know who Frank Lloyd Wright is, but that’s not stopping him from designing his own dreams. For his honors thesis Luck has a blueprint for a building on campus that’s shaped like the tree in the Stanford logo and his muse is the derelict mascot you see on their sidelines. Even though he’s excelled in his Urban and Regional Planning class, his best talents are what we’ve seen on the football field. Rating on our possibility scale – 6 out of 10

In the least likely scenario we have the possibility that Andrew Luck is enjoying the women at Stanford, I know, it’s hard to type without laughing but hear me out on this one. Once Andrew Luck gets into the NFL, the groupies that he encounters will already have been run through by dudes like Shawne Merriman, JaMarcus Russell, and Reggie Bush. Those guys have broken them in and to put it in football terms their vaginas can be compared to throwing a football down a hallway.

At Stanford most of their coeds are virgins that spent all of high school in the library or at the computer lab playing World of Warcraft. Luck totally digs these type of women and knows that it will be difficult to find them amongst the amazing talent that presents itself in NFL circles.  I came across this picture of Andrew Luck’s girlfriend to show you exactly the type of woman that he digs. Possibility 2.5 out of 10

The final scenario is the one that makes the most sense, which is Andrew Luck’s learning disability. He was a straight A student in kindergarten and excelled in napping, but by third grade he was thought of as a full-blown retard. He was especially terrible at math and still struggles today which is evidenced by his lack of understanding how much money he’ll miss out on in the NFL next year. Andrew has been insecure about his learning disability his whole life and he feels that a degree from Stanford would quell the memories of being teased growing up. His mother was kind enough to send us a picture of him in junior high school which only helps to confirm his learning disability.

Possibility 9 out of 10

To get the disgusting taste out of my mouth known as Stanford women, here’s a picture of the Leader of the Pac girl Rachel Lorraine in cardinal red.





NASPAQ : Pac-12 Stock Report – Week 6

12 10 2010

At the midway point of the season we can now see that 9 teams will be competitive in the conference this season. Although Washington State is making great strides, they’re still a year away from winning a couple games in conference play.

Quarterbacks

According to Chinese Zodiac week six is the week of the quarterback and based on the performances this week that holds true. Ryan Katz (KATZ) had his coming out party by torching the Arizona defense with the long-ball and an accurate, strong-armed, intermediate passing game. The Beaver quarterback finished the day with 22 completions on 31 passes for 393 yards, two touchdowns and an interception. We thought that Katz would struggle after James Rodgers (JROD) went out with an injury, but he didn’t miss a beat. Every year Oregon State gets blown off the line of the race to the championship, but Mike Riley is a long-strider that picks up his pace in conference play.

The top three quarterbacks of the NASPAQ all had big days. Nick Foles (FOLE) threw 35 of 46 for 440 yards with 3 touchdowns, one interception. In Palo Alto Stanford’s Andrew Luck (Luck) (20-24, 285 yards, 3TD’s) and USC’s Matt Barkley (BARK) (28-45, 390 yards, 3TD’s) saw two of the worst secondaries in the country and capitalized on their opportunities. This game felt like the last team with the ball would win the game, and for the second straight week USC went down to a game winning field goal. If you’re a fan of big time passing games, then the other Bay Area game between UCLA and Cal would have put you to sleep. Kevin Riley (RILE) just hasn’t made the improvements he needed to this season and Kevin Prince (PRNC) has a lot under achieving potential at wide receiver.

Team Symbol Δ Δ% Total
Andrew Luck Stanford LUCK ↑ 25 16% $175.00
Nick Foles Arizona FOLE ↑ 20 14% $160.00
Matt Barkley USC BARK ↑ 20 15% $150.00
Jake Locker UW LOCK ↑ 10 10% $110.00
Jordan Wynn Utah WYNN ↑ 10 15% $75.00
Kevin Riley Cal RILE ↓5 7% $65.00
Darron Thomas Oregon DARR ↑ 10 18% $65.00
Tyler Hansen Col HANS ↑ 5 11% $50.00
Ryan Katz UCLA PRNC ↑ 25 100% $50.00
Jeff Tuel WSU TUEL ↑ 5 14% $40.00
Steven Threet ASU THRE ↑ 15 300% $20.00
Kevin Prince OSU KATZ ↓10 40% $15.00

Running Backs

With all the great performances we saw at quarterback this week one would expect the running back numbers to drop, but the top three guys keep on going over the 100 yard mark. It should be noted that no roster has both a top three quarterback and running back on their roster. LaMichael James (LMJ) continues to set the pace each week and playing Washington State was another opportunity for him to climb on the Heisman ballots. James had 142 yards and 2 TD’s on 25 carries and added an 84 yard touchdown reception on a wheel roue where he blew right by the defending linebacker. Shane Vereen (VERE) had almost identical rushing numbers with 25 rushes for 151 yards and 2 TD’s against the Bruins. A surprisingly poor performance came from USC’s tandem of Allen Bradford (BRAD) and Marc Tyler (MARC). The duo combined for 16 carries and 44 yards. Kiffin has always favored the passing game, but their offensive line is stacked with five star offensive lineman and they’re not running the ball with consistent success.

Team Symbol Δ Δ% Total
JacQuizz Rodgers OSU JQR ↑ 5 4% $130.00
LaMichael James Oregon LMJ ↑ 10 6% $160.00
Shane Vereen Cal VERE ↑ 10 10% $105.00
Chris Polk UW POLK ↑ 5 5% $90.00
Johnathan Franklin UCLA FRNK ↓10 20% $40.00
Allen Bradford USC BRAD ↓5 11% $40.00
Stepfan Taylor Stanford STEP ↑ 5 20% $30.00
Deantre Lewis ASU DEAN ↓10 28% $25.00
Kenjon Barner Oregon BARN ↓10 40% $15.00
Nic Grigsby Arizona GRIG ↓5 40% $15.00
Marc Tyler USC MARC ↓10 40% $15.00
Derrick Coleman UCLA COLE ↓10 40% $15.00
Cameron Marshall ASU MRSH ↓10 50% $10.00

Wide Receivers

For the second straight week the highest wide receiver stock has moved around on the NASPAQ. Juron Criner (CRIN) took back his number one position with a 12 catch 179 yard, 1 TD performance and former #1 – Jermaine Kearse (JERM), has been battling drop like symptoms the past few weeks. True freshman Robert Woods (WOOD) had the best game of the year for Pac-12 receivers with his 12 reception 224 yard, 3 touchdown performance. Perhaps even more impressive than his numbers is that the majority of the youngster’s yards came against Stanford’s senior corner back- Richard Sherman. The Ducks Jeff Maehl (MAEL) also had a big game with ten receptions for 119 yards and a TD.

Team Symbol Δ Δ% Total
Juron Criner Arizona CRIN ↑ 15 21% $85.00
Ronald Johnson USC ROJO ↑ 5 7% $70.00
James Rodgers OSU JROD ↑ 5 7% $70.00
Jeff Maehl Oregon MAEL ↑ 15 27% $70.00
Jermaine Kearse UW JERM ↓10 13% $65.00
Robert Woods USC WOOD ↑ 30 100% $60.00
Marvin Jones Cal MARV ↑ 10 22% $55.00
Doug Baldwin Stanford BALD ↑ 20 80% $45.00
Devin Aguilar UW AGUI $25.00
D. Christopher Utah DEVO ↑ 10 66% $25.00
Jared Karstetter WSU KARS ↑ 5 25% $25.00
Keenan Allen Cal KEEN ↑ 5 33% $20.00
David Ausberry USC BERY ↓10 50% $10.00

Defensive Players Market

Our top defensive player, Akeem Ayers (AYER) finally saw his stock take a hit  with only three tackles in the loss at Cal, but the other two UCLA linebackers (Westgate & Larimore) combined for 21 tackles. The biggest defensive star in the game just happened to be on Cal’s roster as Darian Hagan (HAGN) had five tackles, two sacks, and an interception to be the conference’s defensive player of the week.  Delano Howell (HOWL) at Stanford was jarring the ball out of receivers hands and forced a fumble. While the USC defense looked terrible, at least their cheerleaders destroyed the Stanford cheerleaders. If Stanford has another game on TV this year I think their coeds might crack my television set.

Symbol Δ Δ% Total
Akeem Ayers UCLA AYER ↓5 4% $120
Rahim Moore UCLA MOOR ↑ 5 5% $105
Mason Foster UW FOST ↑ 10 10% $105
Jurrell Casey USC CASE ↑ 5 5% $100
Omar Bolden Arizona St BOLD ↑ 5 11% $100
Vontaze Burfict Arizona St BURF ↓5 5% $95
Casey Matthews Oregon MATT ↑ 10 11% $95
Kenny Rowe Oregon ROWE ↑ 5 $90
Stephen Paea Oregon St PAEA ↓5 5% $85
Mike Mohamed Cal MIKE ↑ 5 6% $85
Brooks Reed Arizona REED ↑ 5 6% $85
Mychal Kendricks Cal MYCH ↑ 5 6% $80
Delano Howell Stanford HOWL ↑ 15 23% $80
Trevin Wade Arizona WADE ↓5 6% $75
Tony Dye UCLA DYE ↑ 5 7% $75
Spencer Paysinger Oregon PAYS ↑ 5 7% $75
James Dockery Oregon St DOCK ↑ 5 7% $70
Darian Hagan Cal HAGN ↑ 20 40% $70
Cliff Harris Oregon CLIF ↑ 10 18% $65
Malcolm Smith USC SMIT ↓5 9% $50
Shane Skov Stanford SKOV ↑ 10 25% $50
TJ McDonald USC TJMC ↓5 10% $45
Owen Maracic Stanford OWEN ↑ 5 12% $45
Richard Sherman Stanford THOM ↓10 20% $40
DJ Holt Cal HOLT $25
Michael Thomas Stanford THOM ↑ 5 25% $25
Patrick Larimore UCLA LARI ↑ 5 25% $25

Defensive Units

You know how the saying goes when you face the pistol, “You shoot me once, shame on you, you shoot me twice…..” well the Bears weren’t fooled this time. After giving up nearly five hundred yards to Nevada they held UCLA to a paltry 144 total yards and only 26 yards on the ground. Mychal Kendricks was outstanding at linebacker for the Bears and he’s now tied for the most sacks in the conference with 4. In the USC vs Stanford game both teams looked like they were playing touch football in the secondary. The Trojans are athletic, but undisciplined and lack fundamentals in their tackling. As previously discussed about Stanford, they are slow and with the exception of Delano Howell, they’re poor tacklers. Arizona State had the best defensive performance going on the road and shutting down the Husky offense. Holding Jake Locker to just 14 points at home is impressive and Vontaze Burfict seems like he got the message of cutting back on his penalties, but that could be because he played less. And although she’s not in any UCLA apparel, we need more Rachel Lorraine.

Symbol Δ Δ% Total
Oregon Defense ORED ↓ 5 4% $120
Arizona Defense ARID ↓ 10 11% $75
Utah Defense UTAD ↑ 5 6% $85
ASU Defense ASUD ↑ 15 18% $95
Cal Defense CALD ↑ 20 30% $85
USC Defense USCD ↓ 5 8% $55
Stanford Defense STAD ↓ 5 8% $55
UCLA Defense UCLD ↓ 5 16% $50
OSU Defense OSUD ↑ 5 11% $50
Colorado Defense COLD ↓ 5 12% $35
UW Defense UWD ↓ 5 12% $35

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