Andrew Luck’s Learning Disability

8 01 2011

After LeBron James came forward to criticize Andrew Luck’s decision, it was time for me to come to his defense. Here are the three scenarios to explain Andrew Luck passing on his opportunity to be the #1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.

The first scenario is that Andrew Luck is planning on working as an architect after he receives his degree from Stanford. After watching Inception at the IMAX theater in Palo Alto he fell in love with Leonardo’s performance and wants to draw his own cities for a living. Luck doesn’t know who Frank Lloyd Wright is, but that’s not stopping him from designing his own dreams. For his honors thesis Luck has a blueprint for a building on campus that’s shaped like the tree in the Stanford logo and his muse is the derelict mascot you see on their sidelines. Even though he’s excelled in his Urban and Regional Planning class, his best talents are what we’ve seen on the football field. Rating on our possibility scale – 6 out of 10

In the least likely scenario we have the possibility that Andrew Luck is enjoying the women at Stanford, I know, it’s hard to type without laughing but hear me out on this one. Once Andrew Luck gets into the NFL, the groupies that he encounters will already have been run through by dudes like Shawne Merriman, JaMarcus Russell, and Reggie Bush. Those guys have broken them in and to put it in football terms their vaginas can be compared to throwing a football down a hallway.

At Stanford most of their coeds are virgins that spent all of high school in the library or at the computer lab playing World of Warcraft. Luck totally digs these type of women and knows that it will be difficult to find them amongst the amazing talent that presents itself in NFL circles.  I came across this picture of Andrew Luck’s girlfriend to show you exactly the type of woman that he digs. Possibility 2.5 out of 10

The final scenario is the one that makes the most sense, which is Andrew Luck’s learning disability. He was a straight A student in kindergarten and excelled in napping, but by third grade he was thought of as a full-blown retard. He was especially terrible at math and still struggles today which is evidenced by his lack of understanding how much money he’ll miss out on in the NFL next year. Andrew has been insecure about his learning disability his whole life and he feels that a degree from Stanford would quell the memories of being teased growing up. His mother was kind enough to send us a picture of him in junior high school which only helps to confirm his learning disability.

Possibility 9 out of 10

To get the disgusting taste out of my mouth known as Stanford women, here’s a picture of the Leader of the Pac girl Rachel Lorraine in cardinal red.


Bigger They Are, Harder They Fall

15 06 2010

Lots of talk today about the sanctions the NCAA handed out for USC and I couldn’t belive that some people were astonished when USC was slammed harder than Jenna Jammison after talking back to Tito Ortiz.

Does the phrase lack of institutional control mean anything to people anymore? Mike Garret – the AD at USC, is supposed to know everything about all sports and players, but especially anything related to the football program.  While the Trojans are a victim of Reggie Bush’s avarice, the penalties were issued to make sure the University doesn’t let it happen again.   I’m expecting USC to bring in the Bob’s from Office Space to get to the bottom of what Mike Garret’s daily tasks inclue.

The argument that I heard 20 times on ESPN today was that “this only punishes the kids on the team…..they were in junior high when these allegations took place”.  Don’t these kids still talk about watching Reggie Bush and envisioning themselves some day wearing that Trojan uniform? Did they turn a blind eye when all of the reports of the allegations were coming out four years ago? Without USC’s amazing run of 38 straight wins between 2003 and 2006 they wouldn’t have been able to stockpile talent the way they did and win three outright  Pac-10 championships from 2003 to 2005.

It could be argued that the compounding talent, Pac-10 championships, and Rose Bowl wins far outweigh the setback of the sanctions. The reputation of a perennial powerhouse is something that can’t be taken away even in a few bad years of recruiting (only by USC’s standards) and performance on the field.  USC is the bully with a black-eye right now, but they’ll bounce back.

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